Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
