I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
