I CAN MOONWALK!
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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