I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
