I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
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i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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