I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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