reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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