Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have aggressive nipples.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
