By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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