i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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