From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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