Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
