new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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