I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
