I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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