Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
