how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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