you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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