Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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