If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
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Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
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You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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