I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize