It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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