Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
