She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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