Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
