last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
