At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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