i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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