i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
