I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We're too hungover to prance.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
