He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
