my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
