Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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