I'd wear matching sweaters with you
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
