It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
