i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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