You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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