I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
