dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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