The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
