He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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