My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
