I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
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See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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