I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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