its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
