I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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