If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You ruined the universe
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
