I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
the raccoons are back...
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