My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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