i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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