The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
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Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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