Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize