I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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